Jenny (Jen Jen)

Who Am I?

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:16:46 GMT

I was going through my old computer and came across a paper I wrote for school a few years ago.

For those of you who don't know me, I am just a girl. I am human, and I make mistakes. I am also somewhat responsible. I appreciate my heritage and want to learn more about it sometime in the near future. Who I am is not determined by what others say or think. I am me regardless of the thoughts of others.

If you know me, you know me. There's no big mystery to who I am. I'm exactly who you see. I'm exactly whose walking down the hallway at school. I don't have an image to uphold because my reputation is ever-changing. I'd have to say that I'm really outgoing and energetic. I don’t always think before I speak, and that doesn’t always turn out very well. I tend to let people take advantage of me. I wish I could be totally one- hundred percent honest to everyone's face every second of the day, but I am too nice to do that.
I want to be happy. I want to be that person that's so happy it makes you sick. I don't want to be happy just on the outside. I want to be happy on the inside. I'm working on building a thicker skin. I used to be a cutter and I have realized it never made me feel as good as I do now. I'm not perfect, but I'm the best person I can be. I have the greatest friends in the whole world. I try my best not to hold grudges against them. I hate the way people want to put themselves into a category, or pretend to like/hate certain things to make themselves cool. I like what I like because I like it, and I don't care if you think it's stupid.
Life, to me, is about feeling and not thinking. Life is about hearing every wonderful sound and seeing every gorgeous thing out there. I'm really emotional and sensitive. The smallest things can make me feel amazing, or tare me to the lowest low. Some people would want to change this because the pain is so unbearable, but the truth is, when something feels good, it's incredible and I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't plan a lot because I like everything to fall into place as it goes along.

I do think I'm different than everyone else. I try hard to believe it, but at the same time I know it's not true. If something is truly how you feel inside, and you express it outwardly in your appearance, it will never be received poorly. I do know what love feels like. I've been in love. School wise, I dislike math with a passion and I can't stand Spanish. Other than those classes, I don’t mind school and all the hard work involved. I was going to take photography class, but they canceled it. Writing is one of my other favorite things. I love to read things that are worth reading. I love poetry, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I express myself through my poems. I love to laugh. In fact, I laugh at everything, even in serious situations. It's probably something else to do with my insecurities. I know I'm going to do something special in the future, I just don't know what it is yet. Until then, I'm just living every day to the fullest to try to feel everything I possibly can. Who am I? I am Jennifer Thorson.

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger.

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 17:11:42 GMT

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger. My Windows Live ID is lightsfadingout@livejournal.com. Sign up now and we can chat!

I dont even know

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 09:04:31 GMT

Life. . . oh what a complex thing it is. Lately I should be thrilled that I finally have a job and yet I am still unhappy. I can't stop thinking about patrick and that is literally eating away at my insides.

Yeah I am normally super happy and energetic but to be honest lately I just feel down. The last guy I connected with just completely blew me off. I can't seem to find anyone that makes me feel the way patrick did.

Yeah sorry I am hung up over an ex, it happens to the best of people! I wish the feelings would just go away but they don't. I feel like it is my self harm addiction all over again. I know I need to stop thinking about him and everyone tells me this but I just. . . .cant. .

"You were too young to be in love" Bullshit. I hate when people say that. I know what we had was LOVE, in all its glory. Then he went off to fucking Iraq and everything changed. It was really hard to argue over the internet.

I just hate seeing him say that his new girlfriend of what 2 months is the love of his life when that is what he told me. He is telling her everything he used on me. . .That is making me sick to my stomach.

I really do not know what to do anymore. I planned my whole life with him and in one email it was shattered into a million pieces along with my heart. He was the one thing in my life I actually believed would turn out okay, and look what happened? It went to hell just like everything else seems to.

I just need a good cry to be honest. I have not cried in a while and all these emotions are eating me up.

Icon Meme

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:06:08 GMT

MAH ICONS.

default	oldest	newest


saddest	happiest	angriest


cutest	sexiest	funniest


fave ship	fave fandom	best textless


use the most	favorite	best stolen idea

HOW MANY ICONS DO YOU HAVE: 106
OUT OF HOW MANY AVAILABLE ICONS SPACES: 106
IF YOU COULD BUY SPACE FOR MORE, WOULD YOU: yes
DO YOUR ICONS MAKE A STATEMENT: yes
WHAT FANDOM DO YOU HAVE THE MOST ICONS OF: paramore
AND THE SECOND MOST: 24/Mary Lynn Rajskub
WHAT SHIP DO YOU HAVE THE MOST ICONS OF: chlack
ARE YOUR ICONS MADE MOSTLY BY OTHER PEOPLE: All by be
DO YOU MAKE ICONS:yes
ARE THEY ANY GOOD:idk people seem to like them
ANIMATED ICONS ARE:fun but I don't have any

DO THE MEME.
Coding can be found here

Me Within Me

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 12:09:27 GMT

I wrote this recently. . .I was not gonna post it but decided to anyways.

I've kept myself locked away, hiding, and waiting.
Storing my feelings inside,
Pretending that I am much more than what I am.
I hold back my pain,
I also never ask the questions that need to be asked.
In-fact.... I never ask questions at all.

The thoughts keep spinning,
The words keep pressing to escape.
I want to scream the ideas out,
And just flood the world with the impossible words.

Starting to see now,
All the things that need to be fixed,
Starting to slowly repair the damage that I let age,
And mirror myself after the person I was meant to be.

Lost within myself,
I pretend to be just enough okay.
To make it through the day,
I think over and over again,
How and why,
I got this way.
I long to be back to happy,
Its starting to return to me,
I just hope it hasn't been far too long for me to remember what it feels like.

The only reason i am still in one piece,
Is hope that the a happy future isn't so far away...

Thank you! =)

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 10:05:41 GMT

new header

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 22:17:14 GMT

YAY! I LOVE IT! I got bored of my other one and made a new one today

Faded Colors

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 06:15:56 GMT

I wrote this back in 2005.

Look at us now,
In the world that we live,
Full of such hate,
Not willing to give,
One second of our time,
To save that one soul,
The lights fading out,
It's unbearably cold...

All the pretty colors,
Are faded and bleak,
Screaming for help,
Unable to speak,
Hungering for feeling,
Yet cold to the touch,
We'll go on with the killing,
Will it ever be enough?

Stomachs so empty,
Mouths are so dry,
Guns and knives,
Take all the innocent lives,
Retched minds,
Devise schemes to break the heart,
How did this happen,
We're falling apart.

Light the candles,
Turn out the lights,
We've got to save us,
This cold, dark night,
Forget what might happen,
Consequence be damned,
Light your candle,
Hold out a helping hand.

New Tattoo

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 00:50:27 GMT

It is a heart wearing headphones. It represents my love for music and all that it has done for me. The line in the middle is not a broken heart; They are waves from the music playing in the headphones.

Zero Gravity

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 05:17:49 GMT

I dont know if this is really supposed to be a song or a poem. Anyways hope you enjoy it

Zero Gravity

Leave some room for separation,
Push and shove and make the space.
Tear in your eye,
Rip in your skin.
Emptiness encasing you,
What will heal these wounds?
Where should we even begin?

Falling into zero gravity,
Spare me the details,
I don't want to know how it is all done.

Dreams,
What do they even mean?
Ideas swimming inside of your head,
You want to be the world, an angel,
A god maybe, but do you think,
The job would be way too hard?

Smile at your mirror,
The delayed reflection means you are moving way too slow.
Speed up life,
Take some sleep and inject it into your head.
Floating in motionless space,
Zero gravity,
Zero gravity!

Falling into zero gravity,
Spare me the details,
I don't even want to know how its all done,
If it's at all possible,
Impossible!

Take me
Far away from
This leaking space,
This missing space.
Take me
Far away from
This fracture brain,
This feeling of going insane!

Falling into, falling into
Zero Gravity.
Falling right through, Falling right through,
Zero Gravity.

Falling(drifting)
Into(right through)
Zero(Gravity)

Random Post

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 00:09:52 GMT

I found an online program that is kinda like photoshop. Not as advanced but it works good enough.

This was taken last week at the mall. I love this hoodie so much, deff worth the $75.

here is the tattoo I am thinking about getting, thoughts?

Paramore M&G/Concert Experience (LONG)

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 21:49:11 GMT

So I took a greyhound up from Tucson to Sacramento for the concert. Was a total of 40 hours. I got home today and passed out, fun but exhausting weekend. Here is my story about the concert on Friday 7/24 at the Sleep train Amphitheater. it is kinda long so be warned

click here to just view ALL the pictures(i only posted a few for each part of the story, there are wayyy more

I got there around 4:45 ish and met up with Megan (Jonsey from the Fanclub). We went to the front where I got my tickets and wristband for the meet and greet. I went back to wait in line a little longer until it got closer to the time I needed to be in front for the m&g.

A bunch of us talked about how nervous/excited we were to met paramore. We got a few group pics together. This was only a few of us, there were 16 people total

Around 6ish Will came out and checked us off and got us ready to meet paramore. I said hi to him and he looked at me all strange, it was funny. So we went to the back of the buses and waited for paramore to come out.

So I ordered a poster on ebay and it was a LOT bigger than I wanted it to be. I had a few people helping me hold it out. So they came out and signed all of our stuff. Jeremy didnt realize I had a silver sharpie so he signed it again. Then when taylor went to sign the sharpie went right through the poster! he was like "OMG I JUST RIPPED HER POSTER" and then he tried signing it again and wrote sorry with a sad face

Then I had them all sign my graphics I made for them. They all really loved them! that made me smile so much. Jeremy seemed to love it the most. He remembered where the 1st pic was taken and then laughed so hard at the bottom pic on the left of him hunting. He held on to it for a min at least and went around showing all the guys. Zac was like "you look chubby there"

I got some pics of the boys hanging out by the bus after we got our stuff signed and before we took the group pics. Hayleys hair was super orange! She must have recently re dyed it, maybe for the videoshoot?

I got a group shot with the band, 2 were taken but the 2nd one looks the best!!! I took a bunch of pics of them taking pics with other fans as well. I had my poster in my backpack and accidently hit hayley with it! Haha she was so cool about it. During another girls group pic i mentioned how hayleys arm was blocking jeremys face and hayley was like "ahh man I do that a lot, i dont realize it when I am posing"

Then I went around and talked to everyone. I wish I got longer but they had too cut the m&g short because they had a scheduled water balloon fight with no doubt

Josh asked what my tattoo was and i told him it meant to heal in Chinese and he said "oh thats awesome" That made me smile

Then I talked to Taylor. I told him it was ironic that I got the poster just for him and that he ripped it. He was so cute and was like "I know im soooo sorry about that" And told me places I can get the same poster at wallmart. I told him that i will deff remember him ripping it whenever I see it and laugh. I told him under who id like to meet on myspace I had a pic of him. He said "awww thats so sweet, now you have to go home and delete it"

I just changed my myspace!

Hayley saw my seatbelt bottle cap buckle belt and told me she used to have one just like it. I told her I got her the spongebob book last year and she was like "oh yeah dude I remember" I got 2 pics with her. I also gave her a book "The Purpose Driven Life" She said "aww thank you so much!" She showed us her scrapes on her hands from the day before and said "i tried to be cool and rip down the video set"

I only had time to get a pic with zac. The sun was in my face so the pic didnt come out very good looking

Finally I had time to get a pic with jeremy. It is my fav pic of the whole m&g. As I mentioned he loved my graphic and had a fun time showing everyone

So I got my 3 hoodies from the merch booth. I was in one line and some guy comes and says there is one that does have hundreds of people in it. So I go around and sure enough there is another booth with like 10 people. I was gonna get a tour shirt but they only had it in Men small which was huge on me

So I got my pit wristband and started heading for the pit. I got there and hung out for a little while until the sounds came on. Maja was soo weird on stage, she had the guys face in her crotch so i went to take a pic of that. I look at my camera and this is the pic I got. I am glad she was wearing underwear. Then not a sec after the set was over she walks of stage drinking a beer

I was so happy when The Sounds were done because that meant paramore were on. Maddie and I went as close into the pit as we could for paramore. They did such a good job and I was signing all the words. I was so sad when they played decode cause I knew that was the last song. Hayley is always so energetic and fun to watch, a few times I swear she was looking and posing right for my camera

During thats what you get taylor ran off stage and hayley chased him and got him. Then during Pressure jeremy almost fell doing the flip and hayley made fun of him

Here are a few of my fav shots of the night, more are posted at my flickr (link at the top). My friend let met use her camera for paramore since the zoom on my mine doesnt work. It died right as they finshed decode

I got crappy videos of where the lines overlap and let the flames begin

Right after Paramore I went to get out of the pit and got RUSHED by everyone wanting to get close for no doubt. While waiting maddie and i noticed how sweaty we were and I got deodorant on, turned out we had the same kind so we took a pic as some lady laughed at us. And when I took my bacpack off. . .

We went back in the pit because we wanted to get a close as we could cause paramore comes out for stand and deliever. During no doubt so many people were smoking weed, you could smell it in the air. The backgrounds were so cool for no doubt. All the images, videos, and colors made it very exciting. I had my camera with no zoom so my pics arent very good. Gwen has a 6 pack! She did push ups during the concert which was funny. Some kid made her a blanket that had a pic of her and one of her kids on it, it was the cutest thing

I got a video of stand and deliver but the sound got cut out so much its not worth even uploading. Plus paramore didn't come out which was the whole reason I was recording it

Preview

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 08:05:06 GMT

I have soooooo many pics and what not so I wont have the review up until later today at least. I have a job interview too so that will take some time. Here are a few pics to keep you guys excited for the post =)

quick concert update

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 07:45:51 GMT

Here is a quick update of the day. A full story will be posted on monday with pics, videos, and all. I am still on my way home from the concert. =) I had an amazing time, I am passing out the second I get home

M&g
- taylor ripped my poster
- jeremy loved my graphic
- hayley remembered me

Concert
- got really close to the barricade
- great pics
- paramore didn't come out for stand & deliever

I got nominated. . .

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 16:35:59 GMT

For the paramoremusic awards 5 times. Even if i dont win its okay cause they picked the top 5 nominations for each category and I still made that.

I am nominated for:
- friendliest user
- most helpful user
- most artistic user
- most popular user
- user with most ~paramore spirit~

PARAMORE M&G/CONCERT TONIGHT! GONNA ROCK!!!! SOOO EXCITED

Graphics for the band : V2

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 00:50:44 GMT

So I had to re do them all so that they will fit on the photo paper. They were too small and makign them bigger made it looks shitty. I would have made them all the same except some of the pics were to small so i had to re do them. I dont think they are all better than the originals but I tried.

Going to wallgreens tonight or tomorrow morning to get them printed. I resized these so they dont stretch your friends page too much

I have to re-create the graphics. . .

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 06:33:59 GMT

They are not big enough for the photo paper at wallgreens so I am gonna re create them before I leave on wednesday. The only thing is I dont have much time since I have to get a job/look for one and show progress or my car is taken away. . .I am gonna try and make them as close to the originals as possible.

Ever since I got back from visiting my birth mom, my parents are being even bigger jerks to me. They are mad I went to see her but that was something I needed to do for myself and have wanted to do since I first found out I was adopted!

Just Sold My 2 Tickets!

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 05:35:20 GMT

So I put 2 tickets to the paramore/no doubt concert on ebay. Because the concert is friday and shipping takes a few days I made the bidding time 3 days. It just ended and the 2 tickets were sold for $76. I originally paid $186 for them and even though I didnt get as much money as they originally cost, I dont mind because selling them bought me the hoodie I was going to buy at the concert. =D woooooo, hello new paramore hoodie! I cant wait to get this!

Crazyness

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 04:38:52 GMT

I used to hate my freckles. Now I look at them and find joy in each and everyone. Same with my red hair. I used to hate it and now it makes me happy and unique. Its nice that I have finally accepted who I am and don't dwell on my faults like I used to not so long ago.

Graphics for the band

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 21:24:57 GMT

I am making some. Any Thoughts? I dont know if they will like them, I hope so

Idea (and new banner)

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 21:16:04 GMT

So I desperartly want to go back up to Sacramento for the Paramore concert. There is no way I am gonna miss my m&g and the concert!

So i check and almost all the round trip plane tickets are gonna be $392 and I have enough but BARELY. So i checked around and found that a greyhound would be a lot cheaper. For a round trip it would only be $211. The trip would take 20 hours and i am sure it would stop several times. I know its not the best way but hey if it gets me to the concert I am all for it. I am gonna bring books, my ipod which has a TON of movies on it, and some snacks for the ride.

I am iffy about this but at the same time am very determined not to miss the concert and to have a real goodbye with my birthmom.

Any ideas/advice about this plan. I would leave wednesday night and get to Sac by thursday night. Spend the night with my birthmom and then go to the concert/m&g the next day. I would take a flight back Sunday night and get back monday night to Tucson.

That would be 40 hours on a bus at least just to see Paramore. Yes, they mean that much to me! =D

Well I am on my own, packed up and left

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 17:05:53 GMT

Well last night was the final breaking point. A LOT of shit went down and it got to the point where I knew I needed to just remove myself from the environment. So I tried several hotels and finally found one. I wasnt 21 so a lot of places I couldn't stay. I spent $75 for a hotel to stay in for less than 12 hours! I hate being alone and on my own. At least the room has a hot shower and a nice bed and even cable

So I have to be out of here in an hour and from there where do I go? My mom hasnt even called to check up on my since I left last night. That's messed up, I couldn't even get a hug from her. She calls me immature and self centered and even manipulative.

Well things didn't go as planed. The paramore concert is in 2 weeks so i am just gonna try and bum places to stay until the concert. Wish me luck!

Fuck My Life

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 23:47:06 GMT

Here is exactly what the voice mail my birthmom left me says. Man I didnt know me leaving would cause so much drama!!!! I told her yesterday I wanted to leave early because I am very depressed and homesick. This conversation took place after she called the 1st time telling me she wanted me to have my parents pick me up this weekend

You have plenty of time on the phone to bad mouth me to your mom and listen to her bullshit and listen to everybody's bullshit but you wont talk to me and now you gotta let me know that your leaving by a fucking twitter. that's really sweet honey. You know all i am trying to do is get you and heather away from each other as soon as possible. You wanna stay for the paramore concert, fine. Make me be able to afford it, take care of yourself while your there, pay for your food or some other sorce, thats fine. I didnt say i was kicking you out, I said your not gonna use me, okay. Now i wanna make that clear because I cannot afford for you to use me and i dont appreciate the little manipulations i have seen you try to do in the past when you know Im financially in trouble yet you try and manipulate me by telling me little things to try and get me to give you stuff. I will give you examples later cause I am sure you are standing there going "bullshit, what what what?" im not stupid lady, I know what your doing and you wanna be just like your mom and fucking sit over there and fucking bad mouth me. Call me names and whatever, thats fine you can fucking do that but thats not how I want to end it. You know what I mean? I mean I thought this was about you and heather now I am trying to seperate you and heather. Now as far as that stupid concert goes. All I said was Im not gonna be used until then. So if you cant afford, which I assume you cant afford your food and stuff until then you need to have them come get you this weekend. Thats all i said arrange for them to come get you next weekend. Sell your tickets, you can sell a couple of your fucking tickets and stay till the concert if you wanted to pay for your food but you seem to think that your entitled to it even thought I dont have the money for it and that I should let you be a free loader because I gave birth to you. But unfortutnely my situation doesnt work that way and I have other children that I do have to take care of still. Your an adult, your supposted to be an adult and now your not even grown up enough to answer the damn phone because you dont want to talk to me but you want to talk about me to everybody else but you dont want to talk to me. That really sucks, I am at work myself having a hard time dealing with this. And you have not been trying very hard at all. Your like "this isnt what I expected, boo hoo I want to go home, oh but wait i want to stay until after the fucking concert" Now how do you think that makes me feel, have you at all thought about that. Have you thought about anybody but yourself

then i got a text from her just now saying "so ur gonna wait till i have the baby again to stir things up? cant you talk to me so he has a mother tonight?

Mixed Emotions

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 04:43:10 GMT

I really love spending time with my mom but I dont know If i can do it. I HATE arguing with her and the only time we do is because of heather. I am not a good babysitter for her and its evident. Its been a month and nothing has gotten better. I dont want to try anymore and am sick of her behavior and the disrespect she shows me.

Its too hard dealing with her. I have a headache almost everyday from the stress and I am breaking out. This summer was supposed to be fun and I find myself crying at least once a week and missing home way more than I thought I would.

Usually when I am stressed I:
- hang with my dog
- drink a soda
- go to movies with friends
- go to my own room
- watch tv

I cant do ANY of these things! its driving me INSANE I love my mom so much but I dont know how much longer I can live like this. I said I am leaving in September but I might have to leave early. My own happiness needs to come first. I know leaving is gonna break her heart and that will live with me forever but I need to do what makes me happy for once. I always think of others and If I continue to do that with this situation I am gonna burn myself out

There is hope

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 15:15:53 GMT

Well let me just say this for the millionth time. . . I LOVE PATRICK FLEMING! I mentioned a lot of stuff to him and the whole may not have internet, $35 a week which leaves me with $5 to spend after buying gas, and other things.

So I wake up this morning to $500 in my paypal account from him!

thank you sooooo much baby! Your are my savior and well. . . .the greatest and bestest guy I have ever met. I cant wait till october so i can see you again, and not for only 2 weeks, but for a long long time knowing you wont be leaving again. Its a great feeling. *hugs*

Hopefully the rest of the day will be great

p.s mom wants to talk about something missing in our relationship so that might bring down my mood from the way that she sounded